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And here’s to you, Mrs. Robinsons

Updated: Oct 16, 2022

8th October 2022

Bristol & West 5 [0-1] Clifton Robinsons 7

Report by: Andrew McCann

We found ourselves fourth in the table, coming off the back of last week’s away loss. A new day beckoned, an opportunity to have some fun with an older, more experienced club, but would the match end up a torrid affair?

Stuart had hyped this game up no end, as the opposition included his local pub landlord. I didn’t bother to ask his name, but You Can Call [him] Al. Stuart promised a massive crowd, in numbers the likes of which we have never seen. We were hoping for the thunderous atmosphere of Wembley. What we got was the Sound of Silence.

This was going to be a pub fight, but would it descend into a brawl. Would we be toasting a victory or drowning our sorrows?

The first 35 mins were not easy. We survived several penalty corners, including one where Andrew tackled the trapper before he could shoot, valiantly sprinting as though he hadn’t had a Greggs doughnut and a pasty just before the game. The resident Reverend Matt Watt took a ball to his shoulder in defence. Fortunately, his bovine instincts allowed him to milk it, making it look like he had been hit in the face, something which happened several times to the defenders during pre-season. Some excellent saves from Wayne, kept us in the game but a new sermon from the curdy cardinal was in order as we entered the break 0-0. After five minutes of inspiration, we were ready for another cheeky half.

Some excellent defence from Simon and a sizzling performance from Porkchop and Matt kept us in the game for long periods. Clive was able to make some promising runs, and Olly managed to dribble for minutes on end like a ninety-year-old toddler after the dentist. Unfortunately, we were not able to create many overlaps and we failed to register a single penalty corner after struggling to penetrate the Robinsons circle. On the plus side, that did mean we had a 100% short corner conversion rate, which is a significant improvement on the 0% from last week.

The Robbies were nowhere near as good at corners as we were, but despite a series of saves we did eventually concede one. At the end of the game, even the defenders were pushing up into the D. Andrew technically registered a shot, saved as easily as if it had been taken by a toddler.

In the dying seconds, Matt narrowly avoided a card for a tackle that was Bull, proving that he is no walkover. Fortunately, the umpire took pity on the left back and we can only hope his innocent face will continue to work tactically to our advantage. We can’t accuse him of having Garfunkled things up as much as much as our number 10 and 11 have done to the economy.

On balance, a one-nil loss was a Scarborough fair result but let’s hope next week will we be moving on up the table.


Man of the match: In the classic redemption tale of yesterday’s withered aubergine that became a passable moussaka, Clive won the vote.

Vuvuzela of the day goes to Stuart for his Trumpian claims of a Yuge crowd which never showed up

Defender of the day went to Andrew for having a shot that one time and choosing a bus that turned up on time.

Tea MO: Bought in pizzas, expertly ovened, 7/10

Written by Andrew McCann

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